Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Foot loose and prancing free :)

This just in: Dance Moms equals my new favorite television show (the marathon on Saturday had me squealing and running out the door to Michaels for ribbons and bows). Not because my mother reminds me of the haughty, vile creatures who lure and stir above the fruit of their loins, critiquing and bellowing over a mediocre pirouette piquee. But because I so desperately dream of meeting Abby Lee Miller, taking her ponderous, curvy rump for a drag and draft at the Church Brew Works, and prodding her oversized brain with questions such as:

1. Must all good dance instructors fit within the stereotype of being overweight and over-bearing with cane in right hand and cigarette in left?

2. How long did it take you to realize that you were more of a “behind-the-scenes” kind of gal rather than a front and center stage sister?

3. What’s the earliest age a child should begin smoking cigarettes to make sure they maintain a dancer’s frail-frame and a neck longer than Alexis Bledel?

And finally…

4. Can a short, black person, like myself, have a real future in ballet?

I have no doubt in my mind that Abby and I would become fast friends. I could entice her with my cat-walk (it’s more of a prance, really) and show her elegance, lace and curls really does come in a small, black (gay) package. Also, I’ve become quite the seamstress as of late (I’m currently working on a trendy bag for my friend Ophelia). If she had a place for little boys who love to reap what they sew (pardon the pun),

then I’m her sequined and stunning knight in shining (metallic) armor!!

I’ve always dreamed of dressing up little girls (and/or boys) in rhinestone leotards, poufy pink skirts and banana-shaped headbands, and that’s probably because I so badly want to be a little girl

…uhmm… uh… anyway!

Wait a tick! I think I’m on to something…MaryKate and Ashley Olson I’ve got it!!!!!

I’ll become a DRAMA TEACHER!

Oh my gosh! I’ll be able to put on performances (like I do around the house), choreograph skits, duets and numbers, all the while being behind the scenes yet indirectly at the forefront of the entire show.

It’s absurdly brilliant how brilliant my brilliance can be.

It should be a sliver of pie to get a job no one wants… right? Guess we’ll see. Maybe I’ll phone Greg Gregson and see how things are on his end of the rainbow.

I’ll be in touch <3 hugs and meechums.

-Julian Joe.

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