Thursday, June 23, 2011

Pardon the Hiatus

Ello, Gov'nuh! Gosh, I'm chipper today. Maybe it's because it's Friday eve. Maybe it's because I'm so fresh and so clean,clean (great hook, Outkast). Maybe it's because my aunt brought home this huge plush hamburger, and it's all I can think about.

Ok, so I just lied.. call me a fibber and we'll leave it at that, people. There's something bigger on my brain right now, but I'm having anxiety putting it into words...ok, I'll try, just because this is my blog, and I was told you're supposed to let out your innermost thoughts and feelings on here it goes:.. I'm love sick.

I've only had two boyfriends in my life, but it twas Benson who broke my heart.. just snapped it in half like it was some kind of Alpo treat or Beggin Strip... oh Beggin Strips are his favorite ( still my heart). Here's a picture of us and our moms at the Mountains in N.C.... our first romantic get-a-way together.. hmmpph (and yes, we had to be supervised, whatever.):

But while I'm on this reminiscent kick, I might as well give a few other shout outs to some very important influences in my life....(in no particular order, might I add).

Mary Jane Winsor

This little wild child is a shat brickhouse. I think her mom puts muscle milk in her food, because she can pin me down in one swoop with her strong, rat-like tail. She's a talker, too. It's like, "I'll have a double tall latte, non-fat milk, hold the mocha java, with two shots of holy-crap-did-you-see-that-bird!" Always gabbing about her mom's escapades and what-not; sometimes I just look at her and I'm like, "M.J., shut your trap and look out the window in silence for 10 minutes.. Gee wizzard." Got mad love for my bittle Mary Jane :)

Guess I could introduce you guys to the doucher, since he does make the Memoirs page frequently. So, ladies and gents.. Cooper Brower.

Don't let this picture fool you; he's like quadrupled in size at this point. He kind of reminds me of a merman--a long, lanky merman who's just been given feet to walk for a day, and he's trying desperately to figure out how to use them. Cooper is about as graceful as an Oregon linebacker. It's almost sad to watch him run or gallop or whatever it is he does. Cooper can annoy me more than the fleas in my butt, but I do have a spot for that little lanksta wanksta in my heart.

Moving on: Bailey Hitson (my grandmother's pet)

Bailey's good at three things: velcroing himself to my g-mama's thigh, yapping at anything that moves and royally pissing me off. That's about it on Bailey.

Annie Bland:

This booger is a mess. We actually get mistaken on the phone sometimes because we sound so much alike. I love her because she taste like vanilla beans, and she loves me because I'm her chocolate supreme! Nothing but good, good things to say about Francis.

Finley Mayfield

Finley is a wee-bit of a titty baby, but it's not something he can necessarily help. Even though he's somewhat of a scardy-cat, he's always shown me a good time whenever I'm invited over to play at his house. We both like the same kind of music, and his kisses always smell like lavendar and linen potpourri. That's a great trait to have, if you ask me.

Forrest Humphrey

My little man. He's got a lot of oomph, and he's super handsome (I gave him some of my swag for less than a buck fifty). He and I became fast friends when the stork dropped him off at my Aunt Ti-Ti's house. I miss him dearly, and need a lot more of his spots in my life.

Harper Powers..

This just kind of breaks my heart... he moved away and lost my number. I miss him and my aunt more than anyone could ever know...

Sam Dowling.

Such a stud and really a fun guy to be around. He knows Atlanta like the back of his left paw. It's always going to be a rowdy time when we're in the pack. He's a stunner, no doubt. He gets all the ladies...I reel them in with my gaydar, he hooks em' for the bait.

Mary Hitson.

Named after my mom, she's scared of flashes so I couldn't put a picture of her up here.. Darn. In fact, she's scared of a lot of things, which is a bit ironic considering she's a Pit Bull. Our favorite hobby is to run-and-run. We chase geese and each other in my pawpaw and nanny's backyard (hahaha--I mean, G-mama and G-daddy). A Cool cousin, I guess. Kind of a dyke though. (Oh well, You can't pick your family!)

I'm going to leave you guys with a stitching that I just finished. Yeah, I know, stitching is for the gays... which I definitely am! So I guess that works out! It's not all that great since I just started, but I'd like to consider this a self-portrait. Whaddya think?!?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"because as we all can't buy knives."

It is a Surf Ninjas kind of day, people, and that movie will never get old; especially since Rob Schneider's character is a ginger, and that in itself is a knee-slapper. If it were up to me, I would have made the Schneidster a red-head from birth (to me, it just works, comparable to The Beach Boys appearing on every movie soundtrack Drew Barrymore has ever starred in).

Have I told you guys the news yet? Probably have not, but before I break out into the latest folly & frenzy, I think all of my dedicated readers need a language key to follow to fully comprehend my lingo.

Here's some insight to my Julianguistics (I'll continue to update this list):

1. Meechum= a kiss
2. Canoodle= to snuggle
3. Rah Rah= a red bone/a nickname
4. TikiTiki= a type of neck meechum
5. Squeechum= a hickey
6. Tittelbaby= acting like a child/brat/wussy
7. GiGi (pronounced "gee-gee")= really (ex: "Julian, you're adopted." .."oh gigi??!")

Let me stop you right there and elaborate a little on the back story to the example I just gave...Bear with me as I venture down a few rabbit holes before making my way back to the tip (hehe)...
Grandma Sue has a black cat. His name is Max. Max apparently has adopted my filthy mouth, which has indirectly landed me in the doghouse...again. My Dad called Mom the other morning and fussed at her about how Max has been using profanity around the house, and targeted me as the rhyme and reason (he'll say anything to get attention--what a decrepit piece of crap).
It all started with the text messages I got from Max earlier this week. Of course he's all jealous because I'm more feline then he'll ever be. He's made it lucid to me, on more than one occasion, he's sick of my prancing and prissing around when I'm in his mother's house (refer to the cat-scratch fever post). I'll just recreate the conversation for you to get a better idea of what kind of mutant I'm dealing with:

Max: I've never met a real live gay.
Julian: who is this?
Max: Max.
Julian: Well, I've never met a cat with no tail... how did you get my number?
Max: I wasn't born with a tail, and Matt left his phone on the table so I memorized it.
Julian: Actually, Max. You were born with it, but Grandma Sue cut that beast off because Matt's allergic to you. I believe he said, the less cat he has to deal with, the better. Your eye-soar of a nub was actually once long and fluffy like mine. Hence, I'm more of a cat than you.. Burn.
Max: Yeah, I don't believe you... Funny thing is, I overheard your mom and dad talking about how Matt's allergic to your meechums, and that's why you're only allowed 3 a day... Burn.
Julian:....grow a tail, pussy.
Max: Oh, gigi? One more thing... you're adopted.

I didn't respond to that last comment because I was already dialing my mom's number to confront her about what the cat said. She vehemently denied it, and promised Max was full of piss crystals and was doped up on medication (probably anti-depressants, if I'm allowed a guess). Regardless, I'm not adopted. I'm not adopted. I'm not adopted. But I will be adopted when my dad decides to stop being a tittelbaby and sign the papers (hint-hint, cough-cough, nudge-nudge, daddy-o).

I gotta get the hell off of here and clean my closet. We're moving in two days! Skeet!! (that's the big news...Oh! And that I got my first chest hair--what what big boiii!)

Hugs & Meechums,

Monday, June 13, 2011

You Can't stop it..

When I really want to do something I'm going to do it. Here is a list of things (grows everyday) that my mom, dad, Gdad and even Gmomma can't stop me from doing. Ya ya I hear you guys “No Julian don’t do that”, but sometimes I just choose to ignore it. You know press some buttons...I get instigating from my Dad ;)

Top Five

1.Roll in goose pooo. – I know what you’re thinking, “Why Julian would you ever want to do that?” Well I like to get dirty. Sometimes I think it’s really funny when Gmomma chases me and gets upset. Problem is she gives me a dag gone bath every time so I choose my goose poo carefully. The bigger poo the better.

2.Chasing Geese. I love to chase dem dang birds. They are so goofy and mean. I don’t like them on my property so I chase them off. Problem is Gmomma thinks I’m going to eat a baby or something. Gmomma! I’m not a killer! It does make me laugh thinking about what Gmomma is saying when I go chase my goofy feathered friends.

3.Swim in the dirty dead fish infested waters. I’m sorry but I can’t be away from my parents. Even when they say “No Julian! Mom and Dad wants some alone time to fish.” You know what I say “Whatever Mom and Dad I’m on my way!” I don’t care if the water is -20 degrees! I’m gonna swim out and laugh as I watch my Mom go crazy.

4.Lick Walls – The texture, taste and shadows are irresistible. I don’t know why my parents just won’t let me do it. Of course they always bicker about it! One day they’ll lick the wall and say, “Oh Joe we are soooo sorry for ever doubting you. This wall taste great!”

5.Escape Fences – This is new favorite of mine to do at Dad’s house. It shows that nothing can stop me in life. I wait for them to turn their backs and I dart out to freedom! Last time dad caught me out in front of his neighbor’s yard barking at Mexicans. I was trying to tell them that I wanted some tacos, but my Spanish is not good (thanks mom) and Dad came out madder than a wet hen! He tried to give me a spanking but I said see ya!

I’ve been thinking about digging holes to add to my hobbies. Cooper has been talking about it for a while now. Apparently he says you can dig all the way to China where we can eat all the bones we want! I don’t know if I believe him though (he’ll say anything to sound cool). Anyways if I want to do something I’ll do it. No one can stop me now. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs…

I like to Dance when I win. #winning

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Oh! You're just the worst!!!!

I hear said title quite frequently around my stomping grounds. Whether I'm pulling a "Dennis," as my parents stifle a chuckle and say, or I'm just mouthing off as usual, the phrase, "oh now, well you're just the worst, Julian!" is definitely uttered a good percentage of the time. Yet, I will say, most of the time it's spoken in a joking and loving manner. But, I was having a heart to heart with myself the other day, and my oversized brain stumbled upon this school of thought: you know how some people believe when someone says "just kidding," after making a possibly offensive joke to another individual (but a joke none-the-less), 50% of the time they really do mean what they're saying? Let's go ahead and apply that to the previous statement. It's safe to say my parent's really do think I'm Dennis the Menace...hah.

I guess they have plenty of reason to accuse me and with such the appropriate quintessential 90's movie reference (kids of the 90's, I swear). If that's the case, guilty as charged, people! But let me just say, they egg me on plenty. I'm sure I'd have a plethora of witnesses' to choose from who would side with me-- no lies, jokes or games. My hair is slicked back, gelled and I mean business.

In other news, caught me a large-mouth bass today, and that is NO exaggeration, friends. And of course by "caught" I mean swam out to, sniffed, gulped the shadows around its half-eaten carcas and paddled back to shore. So yeah, I caught him... more or less. Mom and dad came up short on this excursion. Actually, I take that back; Mom reeled in three nice big logs--broke G-dad's line, too (woops!! and yes I just did, Mom).

Dad said if it weren't for Mom he would have left me in the water today when I was trying to climb up the side of the boat, barely escaping the six snapping turtles coming at me in every direction! (exaggeration again...yeah, so). I know my biological father doesn't pay mother any alimony or child support, but at least he really cares about me and knows how vital it is that I don't show up bloated on the operating table or when announced D.O.A. Talk about never showing your face in public again...(he's still pretty green and has a lot to learn)...

This weekend was a success. But I'm tried and back in this hell-hole of a house. I don't mean hell-hole in any other offensive way than how I'm saying it-- it's hotter than a bitch in heat in here (and I would know, trust me!)

Signing off,

Your friend and lover, (<-----)
Julian Joe

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm blue...If I was green I would die.

Like I predicted, Mom and Dad sent me a text at or around 10:30 last night, chastising me for my (what I thought was) witty but somewhat rude post about Cooper...(whatever). I was thinking about posting the convo to the website "text from last night" just because I've always wanted to do that.. or at least say I have.. (of course, the conversation wasn't even close to being sexually explicit & or within the graphic realm of acceptable for the website's already sparkling reputation, so I rejected the initial idea). Anyway, the conversation went something like this (I deleted it out of anger so I apologize if it's not word-for-word):

"Julian. Your father and I are disappointed at the choice language you've been using on your blog. You knew the rules to begin with when we all sat down and agreed to let you do this. Maybe it's time for another sit down to reiterate the rules? We love you-Mom & Dad."

... I know, right? So here was my response:

"Mom & Dad: Maybe you two should stop wasting your "free time" at "work" and do something productive rather than read my blog. Just saying...-Love, Julian."

...Mom's response:

"Joe. I can't even get mad by your witticism considering you get it honestly. Your father, however, is not impressed."

My comment back:

"Tell Dad to quit fussing, sweating the small stuff, making mountains out of molehills, being a grumpy Gus and/or sour Sam, and grab a sense of humor while he's at it.."

I never received anything back. I think Dad's waiting until he sees me to ring my neck.... good thing I can out run him!! (how ya like them apples, Faja!!?)

I'll leave you on this note since I know that I'm in trouble (hopefully it'll put Dad in a better mood!!)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

P-A-R-T--Y? because I gotta.

Hello loyal followers,

This week is being spent with my g-mama, g-daddy and the other minions that occupy this realm (they shall remain nameless), while Mom gets ready for my big move. I won't lie to you, fans, I'm a spoiled little monkey when I'm in Griffin. My Grand knows exactly whats up when it comes to treating her grandbabies with TLC, and boy, am I ever in need of that (just joshing you, Mom... don't be jelly). However I will say I got into a LITTLE bit of trouble when I decided it'd be funny to roll around in goose poop. I just love to egg those geese on (pun intended--thank you, I'll be here all week... but for real though). G-mama told Mom who then told Dad how I had to get a bath, and I'm really not looking forward to hearing that lecture when they get here this weekend... thanks a whole heap, Grand!

In other news, I'm delighted I get to see my good friend Annie this weekend. Her mom's the jam and hooks up my Mom when we go to the doctor. Really sweet gals, I must say. Because I'm such a people person as yall are all very aware, I like to befriend those who intrigue me.. You know? The ones that aren't so mainstream, normal and boring, because heavens! I know I'm not (and I'm reminded of that daily). So my dear Annie's a little on the emo-ish side, which makes for a great friend to turn to for musical inspirations and recommendations whenever you get the urge to sit in a bathtub full of scissors. Last time I saw her, she had purple hair. There's nothing wrong with purple hair...if you're an 86 year old senior citizen who routinely goes to the tanning, nail & hair salon for the new up-do and free cable to tune into the Home Shopping Network & The 700 Club... just saying (& might I add, I've always admired those old broads for keeping it real..meechums, darlings!) Regardles, Annie's a cool catdog. I've inserted a photograph of Annie so you can put a face to a name... and see what I mean by emo-ish......

(what a gem!)

I'm just going to go ahead and put it out there... Cooper's retarded. He's the lankiest and weirdest looking son of a bitch I've ever met, and I mean that with the upmost respect. Mr. G's dog, Celine, has a bigger brain than my cousin, and she's a chiwawa. (see below my mentor and hero Mr. G. showing off Celine's enormous brain).

(^ if I could steal every shirt and tie from his wardrobe, I'd do it and leave the evidence that it was me... my diamond couture watch he gave me for my birthday.. or that I bought for myself and said it was from him.)

Ok, well I better get to scootin' since I'm probably going to get in trouble for saying S.O.B. ,but I feel it rings true in the context. Just waiting on that irate text from mom or dad..."Julian, you know your grandmother reads your blog. Why must you be so vulgar?"...And my response, "I learned it from Cooper..."


Friday, June 3, 2011

Panked and Personificaton

A few things that are troubling me; listen up!:

So, as many of you already know, I go ape-style crazy over any type of light. Every time I waltz into the room, I play Kanye West's "Flashing Lights" in my head as my theme song (just in case you didn't already know the extent of my homosexuality).

Well mom and dad let me go into the woods on a potty excursion and all of a sudden, I see this bright white light, and I'm immediately drawn to it like fat kids are to Klondike bars and clowns. Sooo, I got a little too excited and snapped at my dad..on accident...and here it comes... he panked me. Then mom saw the tiny little scratch on his finger and b/c she's obsessed with dad. wouldn't you know... I'm panked again (hard bc she's got bigger muscles then dad--sad but true story).

I was appalled. How can I get into so much trouble when I'm visiting Big Abe and Grandma Sue? It's my get-a-way haven for crying out loud!!! Needless to say, I sat in the time-out chair for about an hour, pouted and cut my eyes at mom and dad JUST SO THEY KNEW my level of anger and disappointment. Rude.

Might I add, Max swatted at my bottom, and now I think I have cat-scratch fever. Thanks a whole heap you fat feline foul-mouthed fart-fah-nooger. (fabulous alliteration, Joe).

To make matters WORSE, mom couldn't find a sitter for me today since school's out, and I had to go with her to work. I mean, she didn't bring me any puzzles or books; she left my Game Boy at home, and don't I have any snacks to feed my boredom. Mom, you just lost 623 points on that one.

The good news is, I'm going to stay at my G-mama and G-daddy's house for a few weeks while mom and dad move me into my new apartment!!! Hooray! I told them both I wasn't lifting a finger to help, so I'm going to Griffin to stay out of their hair (and get them out of mine..finally).

Enough venting for now. I'll post and let you know how things are on the south side.

A little exit music for your ears... Toodles.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

While Mom's Away

Sometimes I love when my Momma is away so I get the whole house to myself. Below is a list of my Top 5 Favorite things do while mom's gone.

1)Think of ways to get Matt in trouble.
2)Beat up Cooper/laugh at him when he's in his cage
3)Tear up the blinds and blame it on cooper (Doesn't usually work though...)
4)Day dreaming: I'm at G Mommas house chasing dem Birds and swimmin!
5)Lick walls

These are a few of my favorite things..

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

G-mama thinks I might have caught a multiple personality disorder

There's a Chinese proverb that reads, "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names." Now, in my house, this poses quite the problem. The name on my birth certificate is in fact Julian Joseph. However, I literally have a slew of nick-names, each to which I respond (if I feel like it, of course). Would you like to see the list? Ok, Here goes:

1. JuJu
2. Juliana
3. Juicy
4. Joe
5. Julie (pronounced "Hoo-lee")
6. Julio (refer to #5, but with an "o")
7. Sugarshi* (clever, huh?)
8. Monkey
9. Sweetbabyangelprince
10. HooHoo
11. Josie
12. Ju Joe
13. Doodle
14. RahRah
15. Scooter/Scooter Joe
16. Juliana-ja-booty-do

Whether or not I've caught a multiple personality disorder is hard to say, but it is likely. I hear they fly around in the air like a sneeze. There are a few other theories as to why I am the way I am. If you don't know me, you're probably asking yourself, "what does that even mean?" Well, I have Asberger Syndrome which is an autism spectrum disorder that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, along with restricted and repetititve patterns of behavior and interests. In Lamen's Terms, I'm a brilliant, socially awkward individual with obsessive compulsive tendencies. Mom says it's pretty common... I think she's just saying that to make me feel less scrutiny when in public.

It could be that this particular blog is an introduction, an opening, a prologue, a preamble, if you will, to my oddity and foible quirks and sayings. With that said, I'll keep your thoughts buzzing and leave you anticipating what's to come....

For now,

Julian Joseph


For the past couple of weeks I have been putting up with this manner BS my parents have been trying to "teach" me. Don't eat too fast, sit before a treat is given, shake hands for a treat, sit before the door opens, dont jump on people..the list goes on!I have been very nice up until this point. I'm gonna start eating food off the table, jump on people and get in the trash...if I want to lay in bed all day I will. If I wanna look out the window and wake up my parents I will!